Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
