He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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