I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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