John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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