like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
