my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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