i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
