I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
