I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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