I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
