the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
