My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
