She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
