Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think I just sharted jello shots
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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