I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
