I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
