End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
