my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
