Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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