Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
