I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
