please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
