Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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