I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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