Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
