I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
