I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So apparently I’m into choking now
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