I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
