so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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