I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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