I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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