im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
