nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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