i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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