Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
