1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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