Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
