The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize