I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
