I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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