I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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