It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
