Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
try to milk me bitch
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