exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
