Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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