Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
