Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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