I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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