ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
