you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
