By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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