Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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