1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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