Don't make out with my wife yet
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize