The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
