I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
