I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
