I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
