Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize