Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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