all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
