I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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