Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He felt like a one man threesome
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
