everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
