i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
